Swedish King Recovers Crowns in Russia:
His Majesty King Carl XVI Gustaf Folke Hubertus Bernadotte of Sweden has reclaimed two of the three crowns that were lost in Russia in the wake of the Battle at Poltava in 1709, starring King Carl XII of Sweden and Czar Peter the Great of Russia. The photo depicts Swedish Secret Service agents performing a traditional pagan ice dance to celebrate the recovery of the second crown. Yet another crown remains to be recuperated.
Full Story

New Problems for Ingemar Forsmark:
Skiing star Ingemar Forsmark, son of former skiing superstar Ingemar Stenmark, tested positive for Polonium 210 in a preliminary doping screening this Saturday. The final test results are due on Sunday. If convicted, Mr Forsmark will be banned from skiing until December 20 (of which year remains to be determined).
Full Story

Free Turkish Bath in Central Stockholm
In an effort to woo Stockholmers for the upcoming potential entry of Turkey as a member of the European Union, the Turkish Embassy in Stockholm has decided to open a free Turkish Bath on Södermalm in Central Stockholm, not far from the Mosque there. In view of how cold Sweden is during the Winter, this seems like a smart move. "Turkish Baths are traditionally located next to Mosques," says Cecilia Ivarsson, female spokesperson of Markkontoret in Stockholm, to the Swedish World News. She continues: "This should not be construed as the Turkish Bath being intended primarily for the large Turkish population living in Stockholm."
Full Story

The International Space Station Lost In Space:
The International Space Station is lost in space after a wild vodka party. The culprit seems to be the Swedish/Norwegian cosmonaut (as they are called outside the US) Christer Fuglesang, who brought a crate of Linjeakvavit, a vodka that has matured by circumnavigating The Globe as the ballast of a sailing vessel. The accumulated Coriolis Force in the vodka seems to have interfered with the gyro compass of the space station, sending it off into space. "Jag reste alltet runt, men glömde fara, ty jag satt fången, här på Aniara," sang Cosmonaut Fuglesang to the Swedish World News (to Hilding Rosenberg's music), before all communication with the space station was lost.
Full Story

Chilean Ex-Dictator Pinochet Dead:
General Augusto Pinochet died from a heart attack today. Gen. Pinochet was installed as dictator of Chile in 1973 by the CIA during the US War on Democracy in Latin America, ousting democratically elected President Salvador Allende. Gen. Pinochet has been charged with more crimes against humanity than the soon-to-be-late former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
Full Story

Nobel Banquet Cancelled This Year?
Normally, the guests of honor at the Nobel Banquet consist of the Nobel Prize Laureates, their families, and the Swedish Royal Family. This year, Princess Lilian---a member of the Swedish Royal Family---constitutes the entire set of Nobel Prize Laureates, due to her Grand Slam. She has furthermore declined to attend the banquet itself, on the grounds that she is 91 years old. "The Nobel Banquet may either turn into a family glögg party, or be cancelled altogether," says Queen Siliva to the Swedish World News.
Full Story
Group Photo From Last Years Nobel Banquet

Aussie Film Star Deported to Sweden:
The now 33-year-old former Australian film star Skippy the Kangaroo turns out to have Swedish citizenship, and the Australian authorities are fed up with his antics, so they have decided to deport him to his home country. Unfortunately, Sweden is a poor habitat for kangaroos. Mr Skippy however seems unconcerned: "I'll get a job at a circus or in a zoo," he says to the Swedish World News. "Or perhaps with the new Swedish government. Their turn-over rate seems pretty high."
Full Story

Swedish Cars are the Safest:
Swedish-made cars, i.e., Volvo and SAAB, are the safest cars in the world. Since these two car manufacturers introduced their latest safety measure, no person has been killed or injured inside a Volvo or SAAB adhering to this safety measure. The measure consists in populating the cars with a dummy driver (see picture) and dummy passengers. This solution has the slight drawback that people can't actually use the cars for getting from point A to point B. "Well, that's why Sweden has a well-functioning public transportation system," says Claes Tingvall---Director of Traffic Safety at the Swedish Road Administration and male chairperson of the collision organization Euro-Ncap---to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Princess Lilian Won't Attend Nobel Banquet:
Princess Lilian, Duchess of Halland, will attend the Nobel Awards Ceremony this Sunday, but not the following Nobel Banquet. "I'm 91 years old, and the banquet is very long, and, honestly, quite boring," Princess Lilian tells the Swedish World News. She continues: "I will however attend the Nobel Awards Ceremony, although that one is also much too long, if you ask me, and they should play something else than this perennial piece if music by Hugo Alfvén." She concludes: "I do feel obliged to attend the awards ceremony, seeing that I did a Grand Slam this year, receiving the Nobel Prize in Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Literature, and Economics, although the latter isn't really a Nobel Prize."
Full Story

EU Threatens Swedish Vacaction Days:
The manner in which Swedish annual vacation increases with seniority is in conflict with European Union age-discrimination legislation. Elderly Swedes with long seniority tend to have in excess of 252 annual vacation days, which means that they simply never have to show up for work at all. EU age-discrimination legislation demands that this right not be linked to age, and that thus all Swedes should have the option of never showing up for work, yet receiving full pay.
Full Story

Tony Blair's Brothers Win Nobel Globe:
Two of British Prime Minister Tony Blair's brothers, Tony Brink and Tony Briar, won a Nobel Globe---the Swedish equivalent of a Golden Globe, instituted by Alfred Nobel---for their impressive performance in the Swedish film 'Dressyr'. "The best ride of my life," says Mr Brink to the Swedish World News. Mr Briar agrees: "We're going for a Tony Award next."
Full Story

Fresh December Potatoes Grown Near Stockholm:
This Fall, Lotta Mellberg has managed to grow potatoes for her renowned Asknäs Tavern and Café outside of Stockholm. Normally, this establishment only serves fresh potatoes during the summer season, after which most of its regular customers, consisting mainly of connoisseur bears and gourmet migratory birds, either hibernate of head South. But the thought of Lotta's fresh potatoes and marinated herring at Asknäs's Lucia Brunch, on Decemebr 13, has made them change their plans. The bears are still wide awake and the migratory birds are still there. "This Lucia Brunch will be delicious," says a young bear, wearing only a 'Non-Smokey Generation' T-shirt, to the Swedish World News. "I can sleep when I grow old." Starling Silver chimes in: "It will be a true feast. The Mediterranean Buffet can wait."
Full Story

Lead Actresses For Hire:
For the connoisseur, we recommend Nicole Kidman, at 16-17 million dollars; while Jennifer Aniston is a steal at 8 million. Forget about Julia Roberts, at 20 million dollars for five years straight. She's focusing on Broadway now.
Full List