ABBA Museum to Open 2008 in Stockholm:
Three intrepid entrepreneurs---Ewa Wigenheim-Westman, Ulf Westman, and Kristina Axén-Olin---are opening a museum in Central Stockholm, modeled after Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London, which will be entirely dedicated to the amazingly successful Swedish pop group ABBA. The museum is planned to open its gates in 2008; its restaurant will serve mostly processed seafood. Björn, Benny, Agnetha, and Anni-Frid have spent the last six months practicing standing absolutely still for hours. "Only Benny has a bit of a problem doing this," confides Agnetha to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Latest Spider-Man Film Shot in Wanås:
Spider-Man fans need not worry: there will be a sequel to Spider-Man 2, ingeniously entitled Spider-Man 3. Or do they? The sequel will be shot in the small town of Wanås in Scania, in Southern Sweden, which suffers from a severe shortage of skyscrapers. Furthermore, director Sam Raimi is passing the helm to David Maman---David Mamet's younger brother---and Tobey Maguire is taking a break from the title role, which will instead be played by Paris Hilton. "We'll try a new angle, portraying Spider-Man---or rather, Spider-Women---more like Shelob from 'The Lord of the Rings'," says new producer and screenwriter Louise Bourgeois.
Full Story

Russian Spies Attempted Assassinating The Swedish King:
Two Russian FSB agents fired super-dumb-dumb bullets at His Majesty King Carl XVI Gustaf at Drottningholm Palace, HMK's Royal abode. The bullets however mistook an on-duty sentinel for The King, who escaped unscathed. "This type of Polonium 210 bullets are much in use now," were the dying words of the sentinel. He will have his radioactive ashes spread in the waters off the Murmansk naval base.
Full Story

England To Cast Off Scottish Yoke:
England will no longer be a slave to its neighboring countries Scotland, Wales, and Ulster. An overwhelming majority (48%, 59%, and 68%, respectively) of the English population would vote to have Great Britain dissolved, to breathe the free air again, and to end centuries of tyranny.
Full Story

Volvo Recalls 5600 New Cabs:
The taxi meter of the new Volvo C70 Cab erroneously adds 25% Swedish value added tax to the fare also in the United States, and funnels the money straight to Skatteverket (the Swedish IRS). Yielding to pressure from US taxi customer, complaining over abnormally high fares, Volvo will recall these cabs to fix the meter. "I strongly object to this measure," says Swedish Minister of Finance Anders Borg, who is considering taking legal action against Volvo over it, to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Silvio Berlusconi Shot by Poisoned Dart During Speech:
During a public appearance, Italy's former populist Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the heart by a dart. He pulled it out himself, and with it came strands of flesh and fat. "The Republic of Italy has fed me well!" he exclaimed, after which he collapsed. The dart proved laced with the poison Polonium 210, which is primarily used by the FSB (The Russian Secret Police) to assassinate regime critics. "He had out-lived his usefulness," comments Russian President Vladimir Putin to the Swedish World News.
Half of the Story
Other Half of the Story

Gazprom Issues Multi-Layered Two-Ruble Coin:
Not to be out-done by the US Mint, which newly announced the issue of a new one-dollar coin with four famous faces, Russian Gazprom---which took over the Russian Mint, when Russia changed from a gold-based to a gas-based monetary system---will issue a complex, multi-layered two-ruble coin (approximately 7.5 US cents), where the outmost layer of the coin is worth one ruble, the next layer is worth 50 kopecks, the one inside that one is worth 25 kopecks, etc. The sum of all layers adds up to two rubles.
Full Story

Swedish World News Best Blog Site!
The Swedish World News is ranked the best blog site in Europe, second only to a blog site named Tyskland, according to blog site evaluation experts Hallvarsson & Halvarsson. "Tyskland's blog site might not last all that much longer," says Swedish World News correspondent Count Carl Gustaf Gilbert Hamilton.
Full Story

President Bush Pardons Three Turkeys:
Populist US President George W. Bush tried to out-do his predecessors by pardoning two 15 kilo (33 pound) turkeys on Thanksgiving Day, to spend the rest of their natural life at Disneyland. Unfortunately, the president's dog bit one of the turkeys so badly that it died from the wounds. The other turkey insisted that it would prefer to be killed immediately, or to spend the rest of its life in Guantanamo Bay, to being sent to Disneyland. So in the end, President Bush pardoned the country of Turkey, most likely in exchange for providing the US with military bases. A male spokesperson for the Turkish government indicated to the Swedish World News that Turkey would much rather join the European Union than Disneyland.
The True Story
The CNN Story

Beaver Makes Mockery of Norwegian Response Units:
Castor Børre, a Norwegian Baumeister of extraordinary dam building skills, and of the species Castor fiber, has wrecked havoc with the Norwegian municipality of Ringsaker. Ten meters (ten yards) of ultra-expensive Norwegian road have already been repaired, and another ten meters need to be repaired, due to Mr Børre's dams. Although fifteen people are working full-time clearing his dams, Mr Børre's still manages to outpace them. He comments to the Swedish World News: "I've studied the ancient Roman engineers and the writings of Leonardo da Vinci. These guys were true geniuses!" Mr Børre has also avoided a squad of snipers posted in the area with orders to shoot him dead on sight. He dismisses this threat: "They're a bunch of clowns. They couldn't hit a tadpole in a bog. I 've done a lot of elite soldier training: Navy SEALs, Spetsnaz, SAS, KLM, Lufthansa, etc. They'll never get me."
Full Story

The Netherlands Governmentless:
Due to the very tight outcome of the Dutch parliamentary elections, and the extremely complicated Dutch political landscape, the Dutch Supreme Court has ruled that the Netherlands will have no government at all until the next scheduled election. "It's not clear of what use the Government actually is, and it costs a lot of money," says Supreme Court Chief Judge Jan Peter Balkenende to the Swedish World News. "It's time to start thinking outside of the ballot box."
Full Story

Sweden Most Democratic Nation in the World:
According to the acclaimed journal The Economist, the most democratic country in the world is The Kingdom of Sweden, closely followed by the usual suspects of its fellow Nordic countries and the Netherlands. The United States of America---a medium-sized country that occupies the portion of North America between Canada and Mexico, and a host of other countries, whose former regimes some US government disliked---ends up in a pitiful 17th place, due the recent deterioration of Civil Liberties and Human Rights in the wake of the so-called War on Terror. "We're still ahead of Iraq, Iran, and North Korea," comments US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to the Swedish World News. "That's what really matters."
The True Story
The Story According to The Economist

US Mint Launches New One-Dollar Coin:
The US Mint has a big problem: Americans prefer bills to coins (and these days, to bushes). Although a one-dollar bill is cheaper to manufacture than a one-dollar coin, the bill must be replaced in average every 18 months, whereas the coin lasts in average 30 years. The US Mint would thus save 500 million dollars per year if Americans switched from dollar bills to dollar coins. The Europeans figured this out ages ago---there is no one-euro bill. Previous attempts by the US Mint at launching one-dollar coins, which portrayed Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea, have failed at replacing the bills. But the US Mint does not give up easily. It is launching a new one-dollar coin, featuring four much better-known and more beloved faces: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, and Donald Rumsfeld. Furthermore, the one-dollar bill will be devalued to 99 cents, whenever deposited in a bank or returned to the Federal Reserve---which is the US Central Bank, not a whiskey brand or a piece of land used to harbor Native Americans (aka Indians, as in Cowboys and Indians).
Full Story

Terrorist Rhino Shot Dead by British Troops:
A British anti-terrorist squad tracked down and shot dead one of the most wanted terrorist rhinoceros in all of Africa. The beast was felled in Laikipia, approximately 200 miles North of Kenya's capital Nairobi. "This is a great step towards Freedom and Democracy in the World," says Connie Maina, Chief Information Officer of the Kenyan Wildlife Service, to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Hottest Japanese Trends:
The two latest hot trends in Japan are to either disguise your cell phone as a hand mirror, or to disguise your hand mirror as a cell phone.
Full Story

Santa Forced to Down-Size:
Due to a number of unfortunate circumstances, ranging from stiff competition from low-price toy retailers, via murderous advertising from Hollywood, to most of his Elves leaving for more lucrative 'The Lord of the Rings' gigs, a much slimmed-down Santa Claus has been forced to lay off all his reindeer, expect Rudolph, who however had a nose job, to cut electricity costs. Mr Claus hopes to revitalize his business by hiring a Japanese management consultant: "Ho, ho, ho. Roll-on, roll-off; all-Christmas-presents-on-the-road; just-in-time-toy-assembly; robotic elves; etc. That should fix it. Ho, ho, ho," Mr Claus tells the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Professor of Ethics Charged with Unethical Behavior:
A well-known Swedish Professor of Ethics has been sued for unethical behavior by his equally well-known colleague since fifteen years---a Professor of Unethics. The counter-lawsuit, on charges of ethical behavior on the part of the Professor of Unethics, was thrown out of court by the judge, who comments to the Swedish World News: "And they get paid for this..."
Full Story

Brennu-Njáls Saga:
Njáll is the hero of the Icelandic Brennu-Njáls Saga, perhaps the most famous and beloved of them all. When we enter the story, Njál's enemies have surrounded his house and set it aflame. They have let women and children leave unharmed, but killed any man coming out. In an act of mercy, they offer Njál---who is an old man---to come out as well, granting him free passage.
Njáll mælti: "Eigi vil eg út ganga, því að eg er maður gamall og er eg lítt til búinn að hefna sona minna, en eg vil eigi lifa við skömm."
Njáll said: "I do not wish to come out, for I am an old man and poorly suited to avenge my sons, but with shame I do not wish to live."
He remains inside and burns.
The Full Saga
Note that Icelandic names and places are spelled differently, depending on case, i.e., what grammatical role they play in the sentence. Thus Njáll, Njál, and Njáls.

At airport security, we must sacrifice our dignity for a minuscule increase in life expectancy. Would Egill, Gunnar, or Njáll have done so? I think not.

Squirrel Tricked Bush into Invading Iraq:
Red herrings, provided by al Qaeda agent Ibn Sheikh al-Libi---which means Secret Squirrel in Arabic, and who let himself be captured in Afghanistan---led the CIA to incorrectly conclude that Saddam Hussein was training al Qaeda Champions of Liberty (or 'Terrorists' as they are called by those looking after the interests of US Big Business) in Iraq. Mr Squirrel had arrived at the conclusion that Iraq would be the ideal place for a Jihad, which al Qaeda would eventually win. It would seem that Mr Squirrel's predictions were accurate.
Full Story

US Bombs Suspected Swedish Nuclear Site:
The Swedish nuclear power plant Ringhals was destroyed yesterday by a US cruise missile. "It was clearly intended for knuckler porpoises," says populist US President George W. Bush to the Swedish World News. Mikael Odenberg, Swedish Minister of Defense, retorts: "We have enough hydro-electric power to electrocute all of Texas, and we're about to get enough gas from Russia to take out the rest of the US."
Half-Full Story
Half-Empty Story

Ideal Comedian's Face Digitally Constructed:
A group of researchers at Stirling University have determined that the facial features of a comedian trump the quality of his or her jokes, his or her ability to deliver them, and his or her acting skills. "All these years I thought my world-wide success as a comedian was due to my witty observations, my expertise as a director, and my dazzling acting skills," says Ricky Gervais of 'The Office' fame to the Swedish World News. "In the end, it was just my plump, feminine face."
Article
Using advanced facial reconstruction software, the Stirling University researchers have constructed the ideal face of a comedian:
Funniest Face in the World

Hugo Chavez Lends Military Airbase to Shakira:
The pop megastar Shakira, with Colombian roots, was about to cancel her appearance in Caracas due to a lack of appropriate venue, when Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez lent her the military airbase La Carlota for the event. "I'm tempted to don a wig and attend her concert myself," says President Chavez to the Swedish World News. Not to be outdone, US President George W. Bush has invited the Dixie Chicks to perform at the US military base in Guantanamo Bay, offering them one-way tickets.
Full Story

Cows Dodge Bridge Toll:
A herd of cows were caught attempting to dodge the rather steep bridge toll of Öresundsbron, the bridge that traverses the straight separating Sweden and the major Danish island of Sealand, where Copenhagen is located. The cows intrepidly swam from islet to islet in the immediate vicinity of the bridge, but were seized by the Coast Guard and sentenced to a fine of 500 liters of milk each. "We're appealing this verdict all the way to the EU Supreme Court, and beyond," vows a spokescow for the group to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

US Condemns Condemning Israel:
"All countries must stop criticizing other countries and meddling in their internal affairs, be these domestic or foreign," says US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Policemen Gatecrash Action Films:
On-duty members of the Swedish police are tired of playing computer games in their offices. Their latest prank is to instead gatecrash film recordings, most recently in the series about Martin Beck, a well-known fictional Swedish detective, starring Mikael Persbrandt as Gunvald Larsson. One police officer, who wishes to remain anonymous, tells the Swedish World News that "We've confiscated truckloads of booze, drugs, and child pornography, but this is if little interest to most of our boys. They just want some action. And there is precious little violent crime in Sweden, so we sneak into action filming events. Where's the harm in that?"
Full Story

White House Sell-Out:
US president George W. Bush is a man of action. In the face of the outcome of the elections, and the mounting budget deficit, he is selling his old foreign and domestic policies at a discount through Geico Insurance Inc. Mr Bush is also selling all White House furniture on eBay, except some luxury carpets, that somehow ended up in Chappaqua. He will also clear brush in neighboring Mexico, at a low wage.
Full Story

New Political Landscape in the United States of America:
The United States of America is a medium-sized country that occupies the portion of North America between Canada and Mexico, and a host of other countries, whose former regimes some US government disliked. It's largest export is films.
There have been some noteworthy changes in US politics. Hillary Clinton, wife of former US President Bill Clinton, launched so successful an election campaign, allegedly funded by a luxury carpet vendor, that she is the favorite candidate for the upcoming 2008 US Presidential election. Independently, celebrity show hosts Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, and Steve Colbert announced their joint candidacy in that election, running on a program to extend the definition of marriage to encompass more than two people. Actor Robin Williams dismisses their candidacy as utter nonsense.
In response to this, Karl Rowe---Deputy Chief of Staff to current US President George W. Bush---is to instead host 'Realtime without Bill Maher,' US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is to instead host 'The Daily Show without Jon Stewart,' and former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is taking over as the host of 'The Colbert Report,' reportedly to be renamed 'The Rumsfeld Report.'
Full Story

Bill Gates Replaces Rumsfeld:
Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, replaces Donald Rumsfeld as US Secretary of Defense. Mr Gates is highly qualified for the position, having written numerous computer war games in Basic before starting Microsoft. "I will focus on protecting this glorious country from computer viruses, funneling lucrative Defense contracts to Microsoft, and invading any country that infringes on Microsoft intellectual property rights, or threatens its market dominance," Mr Gates promises the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Johnny Depp Wins RF Senator Race:
Former actor Johnny Depp (PoC) won the race for the French seat in the US Senate, narrowly defeating John Malkovich (Me) and Jean-Marie le Pen (FN). "I guess my make-up was simply better," comments Senator Depp to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

John Wayne New James Bond:
Due to the storm of controversy over the choice of Daniel Craig as the new James Bond, whom many consider vastly inferior to his predecessor Pierce Brosnan, the producers have now recanted and instead offered the part to Daniel Radcliffe, who however declined it, on the grounds that he was uncomfortable driving a car, rather than flying a broomstick, and with not carrying a magic wand. Instead, the new Bond film 'Casino Royale' will star John Wayne, by cutting together scenes from his wide range of previous films, some in black-and-white. "Special effects and digital reediting are now good enough for this to work," says celebrity director Peter Jackson---who has nothing whatsoever to do with this film---to the Swedish World News.
Full Story

Sweden is the Best:
In an impartial evaluation, performed by the Swedish City Network Association, Sweden was found to be the best country in the world. There has been no immediate reaction to this discovery from the RoW (the Rest of the World), apart from a few protesters gathering outside the Swedish embassy in Oslo, led by the Norwegian nationalist Björnstierne Björnson.
Full Story

Chief of Police Fired over Cat Litter:
The chief of police in Kristianstad was forced to resign after a scandal involving a litter recycling station and a used cat litter. He was caught on candid camera placing the litter at a litter recycling, rather than at a litter redriving, station. The problem was that the litter did not have two (or three) spike-equipped wheels and that it was not pedal-propelled. It was in fact a 4WD, with a V8 engine and eight seats. In addition to his dismissal, the chief of police was fined SEK 8,700 (USD 100,000).
Full Story

No More Fish in the Sea:
Professor Carl Folke, of Global Fish Inc, has succeeded in charting the DNA sequences of all edible fish species and patented them. These fish are now the intellectual property of Global Fish Inc, and anyone exploiting them must compensate Global Fish Inc. To prevent fishermen from dodging Global Fish Inc's royalties, Global Fish Inc has embarked on an endeavor to render all edible fish extinct from the Seven Seas of the World within 40 years. "Mother Nature is a patent infringer," proclaims professor Folke.
Full Story

Runner Up Run Down, Over, and Out in Swedish Pushcar Finals:
Pushcar is not a sport for the faint-hearted. Not only are you required to propel your motor vehicle yourself, but your allowed, and even encouraged, to hit your competitors with your car. The Swedish Pushcar World Cup Finals saw the demise of former Swedish World Champion Jonas Höglund, competing for the SMHI team, when new Gold Medalist Thomas Andersson of the Vägverket team hit him from behind with his car and ran him down. "I knew Höglund wouldn't have enough left for the spurt, so I dropped back until the last 100 meters, conserving my strength, then sped up and nailed him," Mr Andersson explains to the World Swedish News. Mr Höglund and the SMHI team was awarded the Silver Medal, Mr Höglund posthumously.
Full Story

Skiing Star Ingemar Forsmark Caught Speeding:
Skiing star Ingemar Forsmark, son of former skiing superstar Ingemar Stenmark, was caught down-hill speeding by an off-piste camera from March 24 to April 19, each day exceeding speed limits by one to two percent. He now awaits trial be error, which, according to SKI, the Swedish Professional Skiers association, will most likely result in the punishment of having to ski the same piste uphill, at the same speed, with spectators laughing whenever he falls.
Full Story

Leftist Female Politicians Behaving Badly, Part II:
Anna Sjödin, female chairperson of the Swedish Youth Socialists---the non-military branch of the Swedish Socialist Party---appeals the court verdict against her, consisting in a small fine and minimal damages for racist insult, violence against officer, violent resistance, and dodging mandatory TV fees. Ms Sjödin has made no secret of her ambition to dethrone reigning leftist bad-ass queen Gudrun Schyman. "A few grand in fines and damages!" exclaims Ms Sjödin with contempt in her voice to the Swedish World News. "That's nothing! Now this self-proclaimed bitch Gudrun Schyman will continue to belittle me. But I know my rights. The verdict alone entitles me to a stint in jail---without parole! And I want to be sentenced for sexual harassment and possession of concealed miniature TV set as well. That'll teach the old fart some respect for the New Generation."
Full Story