Pentagon Takes On Widespread Media Distortion:
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is spearheading war on WMDs: Widespread Media Distortions. Any member of The Media found distorting it, i.e., found being off-Pentagon-message, will be detained and deported (and Vice President Dick Cheney will dip his or her head in a bucket of water). This includes inanimate objects, such as Web sites, Internet servers, and even individual packets in Local Area (Computer) Networks (LANs). Speaking of Lans, this applies also to Håkan Lans, the Swedish inventor, who claims to have invented all sorts of computer devices and techniques that could potentially be used to distort The Media.
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Noah's Ark Skips USA:
Due to all the extra hassle following in the wake of the Patriot Act, Noah, of Biblical fame, has decided to skip the United States of America on his Ark World Tour. "Everyone on board is too exhausted to face the TSA," explains Ark spokesanimal Ola Salo to the Swedish World News.
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The Average Swede Mis-Underestimates the United States:
Less than one third of the Swedish population, 29 percent, views the United States of America as the main threat to World Peace. The remainder mentions countries like North Korea, 28 percent; Iran, 18 percent; Israel 6 percent; China, 4 percent; Russia, 3 percent (after all, Poltava was 297 years ago); or claim they don't care or don't have a clue, 12 percent. "This is very troubling," says EU Minister Cecilia Malmström. She continues: "The average Swede fails to realize that the US has military bases in two-thirds of the world's countries, has been directly involved in all major wars the last century, and is the only country to ever deploy nuclear weapons against another country." But Ms Malmström sees a potential solution to this problem. "In collaboration with Fidel Castro, we will detain any Swede who does not view the United States as the main threat to World Peace at one of our military facilities in Cuba, until he or she recants."
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Non-Human Director of Center for Decease Contraction Prevention:
Makapiapan Baloo will be the first non-human primate director of the Center for Decease Contraction Prevention (Smittskyddsinstitutet) in Solna. He was, as can be seen from his picture, hesitant to take on this role. He did so only under the condition that he would be allowed to staff the center entirely with non-human primates.
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'Belgian Blues' Draw Crowds of Cows---and Mad Bulls:
The 'Belgian Blues'---a beef version of the popular male strip group 'The Chippendales'---is on tour in Sweden. Crowds of Swedish cows pack themselves into their sold-out shows. "I had to shell out 150 liters of milk to a hawker for my ticket," admits Daisy Johansson. Most bulls see red of envy---"These guys are monsters," says Bill Åbull---but some beg to disagree: "They're sooo cuuute!!" exclaims Taurus Eriksson. Christina Storm at Jordbruksverket (The Department of Agriculture) is concerned that a number of reckless cows will get themselves impregnated by a Belgian Blue. "Over 90 percent of Swedish calves are already born out of wedlock," she points out.
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Brothel Reopens in Pompeii After 1927 years:
One could be forgiven for some impatience at the restoration pace of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. But consider then that the first establishment of Pompeii to reopen did so only now, almost two millennia after the eruption of the volcano Vesuvius. Curiously enough, the first business to restart is a brothel. It would seem that the Pompeiians have their priorities clear.
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Bono, Now of U2, Formerly of U137:
Irish rock superstar Paul Hewson---aka Bono, the lead singer and song writer of U2---admits to the Swedish World News that in 1981, he was a member of the Soviet heavy-metal (Uranium 235/Plutonium 239) group U137. He further reveals that there will be a 25-year anniversary re-release of their hit album 'We All Live In a Nuclear Submarine in Restricted Swedish Military Waters.'
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Indiana Jones Fights Mummified Dentists:
Hollywood producers have been scratching their heads for decades as how to cash in on yet another episode of the hugely successful Indiana Jones franchise. They seem to have now found a solution. Rumor has it that in the next episode, Harrison Ford will encounter three mummified dentists, all played by Egyptian celebrity actor Zahi Hawass. Bring your own Novocaine.
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US President George W. Bush and Swedish King Carl XVI Gustaf Swap Wives!
Following the success of their appearance on the 'Dr Phil Show,' US President George W. Bush and First Lady Laura Bush will now appear on a joint venture between 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition' and 'Wife Swap'---with His Majesty King Carl XVI Gustaf Folke Hubertus Bernadotte of Sweden and his charming wife Queen Siliva. One pair will reside in the White House and the other pair in the new House of Sweden---created especially for this purpose----both of them located in Washington DC. "If this doesn't get us killer ratings," confides executive producers Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane to the Swedish World News, "nothing will." The idea of casting Swedish Foreign Minister Carl Bildt, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and US Vice President Dick Cheney in 'Straight Eye for the Queer Gal' was however scrapped, according to Messieurs Broderick and Lane.
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Swedish 'Authors of the Month' on Sale:
Swedish editors have created a new market, selling 'authors of the month,' rather than 'books of the month.' Anyone they can't get rid of during their tenure as an author of the month, is put on sale two months later. The following authors remain from August and are sold in a Dutch auction: Susanna Alakoski, Göran Sonnevi, Sara Stridsberg, Lars Gustafsson, Jonas Hassen Khemiri, and Jörgen Gassilewski.
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Björn Borg Returns from the Dead!
Formerly deceased tennis superstar Björn Borg is staging a comeback in Stockholm's Tennis Club, where he played a double match with Mats Waltin against Tommy Grönberg and Lars Dahlin, winning by 6-0, 6-3. "Saint Peter sent me back, insisting that I hadn't filled my quota of competitive tennis matches," explains Mr Borg to the Swedish World News. Mr Borg next heads to Dubai to play McEnroe, Nastase, and other oldtimers.
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Turkish Lawyer Sues The Royal Swedish Academy over Nobel Prize:
This year, The Royal Swedish Academy awarded the Turkish writer Orhan Pamuk the Nobel Prize in literature. Kemal Kerincsiz, Esq., has vociferously criticized this choice. "Whereas it may be the case that the traitor Pamuk is not a completely incompetent wordsmith, the main criteria for awarding any prize should be the intrinsic Turkishness of the recipient and of his or her work," explains Mr Kerincsiz, Esq. "For this grave misjudgment on the side of the Royal Swedish Academy, I see myself forced to take legal action against it. I might also point out that I myself write rather well, a fact that the said academy seems to have overlooked," concludes Mr Kerincsiz, Esq. The European Union does not celebrate Thanksgiving in the same manner as the United States, and seems to be becoming increasing disinclined to ingest Turkey.
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Maria Borelius Receives Guinness Award:
The Guinness Book of World Records has awarded Maria Borelius---former Swedish Minister of Commerce---the prestigious 'worst pun of the year award.' Ms Borelius, who was forced to resign from the Swedish Government after only one week, due to exploiting foreign tax havens, accused pop superstar Bono of doing exactly the same thing, using the phrase "You too, Bono." One of the editors of The Guinness Book of World Records is reported to have committed suicide after hearing the pun, and two others are in critical condition at the Guinness Brewery Hospital in Dublin. "I thought that was rather witty," Ms Borelius confesses to the Swedish World News.
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Spanish King Juan Carlos Shot Drunken Bear:
It started as a friendly Vodka session in a bar in Novlenskoje, involving King Juan Carlos of Spain, Governor Vjatjeslav Pozgalev, Sergej Starostin (assistant Bureau Chief in Vologda), and Mitrofan the Bear. As the evening progressed, the animosity between the King and the Bear escalated to the point when the King drew his rifle and shot the Bear dead. "He was drinking, but not eating tapas," explains King Juan Carlos. "This is a grave violation of Spanish Law. As the Head of State, I must see to it that the laws of my country are respected and that justice is done upon violators." He continues: "And the bastard wiped us clean at the poker table earlier in the evening."
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Finnair Sends Emergency Relief Snow to Sweden:
SMHI, the Swedish weather forecast agency, predicted snow for today. No snow appeared. To cover up their blatant misprediction, Finnair cancelled all their passenger flights, filled their airplanes with snow, and sent the snow to Sweden. "Sweden's cause is ours," comments Finnish Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen in affect.
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Swedish Minister of Finance had Black Tennis Coach:
Sweden's current Minister of Finance, Anders Borg---the nephew of deceased tennis superstar Björn Borg---admits to having employed a black tennis coach in the nineties. "I was trying to get away from this double-handed backhand," he defends himself to the Swedish World News. This may very well cost him his job as Minister of Finance, seeing that the racist Swedish Government and population have zero tolerance for black workers of any sort.
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SAS Appoints New Chief of Concern:
Scandinavian Airline Systems, SAS, has much to worry about these days: loss of monopoly; disgruntled labor unions, resulting in frequent strikes; reduced profitability; competition from low price airlines, such as Malmö Aviation, etc., etc. To handle these concerns, SAS has appointed Mats Jansson for the new executive position as 'Chief of Concern.' His job will be to worry about all these problems, so as to not distract the rest of the SAS executives from enjoying golf, free luxury residences in their place of choice, golden parachutes, and free air travel in their private jets. "Passenger air travel is now such a Royal pain in the neck that SAS has equipped all it's executives with luxury private Learjets," explains Mr Jansson. Asked by the Swedish World News whether gold is not too heavy a material to make parachutes from, Mr Jansson replies: "No, gold is so malleable, that it can be pounded extremely thin."
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Sweden Tops the League in Armed Robberies of Money Transports:
Every Swede now pays SEK 12 (USD 2) to armed robbers, against a puny USD 0.75 for the runner-up average Belgian. "This is a great achievement!" declares chief criminologist Jerzy Sarnecki, his voice trembling of pride. "Our strategy of manning these transports with unarmed wimps has paid off." He promises to increase Sweden's leading position in this area by prohibiting bags that discolor or destroy the bank notes, if they are opened by force; removing existing GPS tracking of money transports; and maintaining the same itineraries for the transports, posting them far in advance on the Web.
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Aussie Painter Ate Marilyn Monroe!
Sweden, always at the vanguard of using environment-friendly materials, has passed a law that all paintings must now be painted in chocolate, rather than oil, acrylic paint, etc. "It's damned hard," says Sid Chidiac---a New York-based Australian painter---"but very rewarding. Finger-lickin' good! I once ate Marilyn Monroe, or rather, one of my portraits of her." Already the Vikings chiseled their artistic works into organic or silicon-based materials, e.g., wood, bones, stones, or fallen enemies. The first modern Swede to advocate the use of recyclable, biodegradable painting materials was no one less than Carl von Linné, of such great fame, that even Americans might have heard of him.
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British Army Chief: 'We Should Leave Iraq!'
British Prime Minister Tony Blair's Army Chief, Sir Richard Dannatt, wants to leave Iraq. "We received no flowers, nor cheers, from the crowds," he says to the Swedish World News, "only bullets and roadside bombs." He continues: "Arabic hospitality is greatly overrated, if you ask me, at any rate when one comes uninvited. And the Muslims don't hate us for our freedom; they hate us because we disgraced their faith and values, then killed their friends and family. Fancy that! I want to go home."
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New Mouse Species Discovered on Cyprus:
It is very rare that a new mammal species is discovered. A potential candidate cat- or fox-like creature was recently spotted lurking in the dark and inaccessible jungles of Borneo, but it has yet to be confirmed as a truely new species. A new species of mouse, Mus Cypriacus, has however just been confirmed on Cyprus. This is the first new mammal to be discovered in Europe in over one hundred years. It is characterized by larger eyes and ears than other mouse species, as well as a larger head, more prehistoric-style teeth, and a USB connector at the end of its tail. Xerox lawyers are currently modifying Xerox's patent of the computer mouse to cover the new species.
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Robber Sentenced to Lifetime in Prison, Death, and Deportation:
The foreign member of the gang of robbers responsible for the brutal armed robbery of a Securitas armored car money transport in Stora Höga last year, was sentenced to one consecutive lifetime sentence term, then torture (listening to ABBA's greatest hits for one week straight), then execution (if he's still alive), then deportation from the Kingdom of Sweden, then excommunication from the Catholic Church. The Swedish gang members were also sentenced to harsh punishments, namely suspended warnings. Their social benefits were however increased, as a compensation.
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Harry, but not Prince Harry, to Fight in Afghanistan:
The British Ministry of Defense will not allow the 22-year-old Prince Harry to fight in Afghanistan. "The Prince has already violated the Geneva convention, when fighting with his fellow cadets at Sundhurst," explains British Secretary of State for Defense Des Browne. "Prince Harry would create a political nightmare if let loose on our enemies." Another famous Harry will be sent in his stead: Harry Potter. "Mr Potter is as brave as the Prince, but much more humane towards his adversaries," says Mr Browne. "He is also considerably better trained at Defense Against the Dark Arts."
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The New Swedish Government---A Bunch of Racists!
The new Swedish Government contains no Afro-Americans. None. Zero. Zippo. (Nyamko Sabuni originates from Congo.) This is an outrage. In addition to this, two members of the Government are being investigated for hiring black workers. One of them, Stegö Chilò, defends herself with having hired predominantly white workers. One would have hoped that a government of Sweden would be more racially enlightened and fair.
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Topless Sunbathing OK Only on Well-trimmed Lawns:
The new Swedish Government, under the fearless leadership of Fredrik Reinfeldt---a man of action, not words---has prepared its first new law, soon to be voted on by the new Swedish Parliament. It states that topless sunbathing is acceptable only on recently mowed and well-kept lawns. There will be zero tolerance of violations. To avoid gender discrimination, this law applies equally to women, men, children, pets, and wild animals.
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Republican Lawmaker Proposes Arming Everyone:
Frank Lassie (R-Wisconsin; no relationship to the famous dog) has proposed arming everyone in the US society with butterfly knives, baseball bats, assault rifles, and a kit of Swiss-Army-Knife-style chemical, biological, and nuclear arms that his company manufactures. "I think this will greatly reduce the risk of tragic events, such as the school shootings in Lancaster, PA, and Columbine, CO," he explains to the Swedish World News over the phone. He concludes: "I'm afraid I must hang up now. It seems that one of the illegal immigrants working at my factory just went on a killing spree."
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US Congress Makes R-Rated Flicks:
To improve attendance at US congressional votes on minor issues, such as whether or not to invade other countries, an incentive plan has been devised to show pornographic films during voting sessions. The films will be produced in-house. "We might have to use teenage pages," explains Rep. Dennis Hastert, "as Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky have declined to participate." Shares in C-SPAN sky-rocketed after this announcement.
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Jyllands-Posten Draws Caricature Fire Again:
The Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, infamous for publishing caricatures of the Prophet Mohammad, has again recklessly stirred up emotions. In what appears to be a Photoshop job, Jyllands-Posten has published a picture of the newly elected Conservative Swedish Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt, that looks exactly like former Conservative Swedish Prime Minister Carl Bildt. "This is an outrage," says angered Swedish voters from all political parties. "Denmark should be excluded from the EU. Apart from their beer, of course. And their food. And their 'hygge'. And..."
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Swedish Election Fraud Floods Stockholm:
The angels weep over the Swedish Parliamentary election fraud. "It's simply not fair that the votes of Union Members no longer count twice," says Sven Mählqvist, internal officer of the Stockholm Fire Workers Union. "In previous elections, the socialists had a fair advantage over the evil forces of Capitalism. How can anyone be so cruel as to change the election laws to 'one person---one vote' just to usurp Göran Persson, our beloved Father of the Country?" The tears of despairing angels, socialists, and communists have literally flooded central Stockholm.
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Witness Identifies Russian Spy in Line-Up:
Georgian counter spy Mary-Lou Thames identifies Dimitry Kazantsev as a Russian spy in a line-up with policemen posing as alternative suspects. "It was him," she says. "I'm sure as h-ell. He was a-peekin' at my here classified ads. I recognize his shirt." Mr Kazantsev was then deported to Russia, to avoid escalating the conflict between Russia and Georgia over whether there are ten or eleven commandments.
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Kazakstan Next?
President George W. Bush, inexhaustible champion of democracy, world peace, and fossil fuel extraction, has his next target clear: Kazakstan. President Bush explains to the Swedish World News "Kazak President Nursultan Nazarbajev is a brutal dictator, has access to massive amounts of old Soviet nuclear arms, and vast quantities of American oil, that somehow ended up under Kazak soil. Since the whimpy Frogs will make a fuss at the UN, my old buddies and I are going it alone. Tony, you with me, right? Tony? You still there? Silvio? Jose Maria? Where are you guys?"
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