Swedish Parliament Hall Renovation Finished:
After four years of renovation, Plenisalen (the Swedish Parliament Hall) is ready for re-inauguration. "It's a royal pain to actually have to show up for work again," say Björn von Sydow, male chairperson of the Swedish Parliament. "I really enjoyed my four years of well-paid leave during the renovation."
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Leftist Female Politicians Behaving Badly:
Anna Sjödin, leader of the Swedish Youth Socialists, is working hard to establish herself as a starlet among leftist political bad girls. Her latest efforts landed her in court, on charges of violence against officer, violent resistance, theft, and racist insults. "The little wench has nothing on me," comments reigning political bad-ass queen Gudrun Schyman. "She got into a pub brawl. Peanuts! At the Nobel Banquet, I threw myself across a serving trolley, spread my legs, and screamed at passing males to 'Have me here and now!' Now that's behaving badly."
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Israeli Military Releases Dick Cheney:
An Israeli military tribunal has released US Vice President Dick Cheney, who has been held in custody for six weeks after a shooting incident, which injured a Jewish lawyer. Mr Cheney was released in a plea bargain, where he promised to continue torturing Arabs, Muslims, and critics of Israel. Around thirty of his staff members are still detained by the Israeli military.
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Swedish Navy Launches Bio-Weapons Carrier:
The Swedish Navy has launched its latest ABC weapons carrier 'Probo Koala,' nicknamed 'Toxic Crime,' a vessel that is capable of destroying all marine life in the Baltic Sea in a matter of days---or would have been, had Sweden's fellow Baltic countries not preemptively done so already. It will head for the Mediterranean, where it will assist in occupying Malta, which Sweden invaded in retaliation of the Israeli air strike against Kungsbacka. It will also function as a deterrent, should any Mediterranean EU country challenge Sweden's right to maintain its lucrative government monopolies on alcohol, tobacco, gambling, (pharmaceutical) drugs, prostitution, etc.
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Deceased Author Signs Book in Bangkok:
John Kennedy Toole, author of the best-selling and critic-lauded book 'A Confederacy of Dunces', is signing his latest book, entitled 'A Council of Demented and Ridiculous Military', at a publicity stunt in Bangkok. Some may find this inconsistent with Mr Toole's suicide and consequential premature death in March 1969, but he has previously produced a sequel to his posthumously published mega-hit, and---as his colleague Kurt Vonnegut so eloquently put it---"So it goes!"
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Venezuelan Terrorist Deported to Gitmo:
Nicolas Maduro, a well-known terrorist and Venezuelan Foreign Minister, was seized and detained at JFK yesterday. The police then insulted him, relieved him of his travel documents, beat him up, and deported him to the Guantanamo Bay detention center. "The world changed after 9/11," says a representative from the US State Department. "We simply cannot afford to have foreigners criticize the US government."
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The US State Department gets support from senior Democrats.
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The US government reserves the right to criticize whomever it pleases.

Local Swedish Politician Lectures George Bush:
Mats Thuresson, recently elected for the local government of Simrishamn, representing 'Sverigedemokraterna'---a neo-Nazi-style party---is lecturing George W. Bush on how to present information to the public: "One should lie in such a way that it sounds plausible. Only really daft people would buy 'They hate us for our Freedom.' I just got a seat in the local government by claiming that one million Moslems in Sweden live on government subsidies. No one will reflect over the fact that this would constitute more than ten percent of the Swedish population, or bother to find out that there are in fact less than half a million Moslems in Sweden in total, nor that no one actually knows the fraction of these who really rely on government subsidies." Considering Mr Bush's poor lying skills, Mr Thuresson is amazed that Mr Bush made it to the Oval Office.
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Osama bin Laden was a Space Alien!
French Intelligence, which seems to work, as opposed to, say, US Intelligence, have located Osama bin Laden's dead body in Saudi Arabia, and performed an autopsy on it. His organic make-up and biochemistry differ wildly from those of any form of life encountered on Earth, from which they conclude that he was either a space alien, or a god. Speaking against the latter theory is the fact that Osama bin Laden was pronounced dead, whereas gods are normally considered to be immortal, although the Nordic gods are not, and all major Nordic gods will be slain in Ragnarök, the final battle between the gods and the giants, which will make Biblical Armageddon look like a pub brawl. Amongst other things, the dragon Nidhögg will swallow the Sun.
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Stolen Paintings Sold at IKEA:
The police in Skärholmen, outside Stockholm, have busted a ring of stolen art fencing---at the local IKEA store! In total 1,695 missing paintings, ranging from Edvard Munch's 'The Scream,' to Michelangelo's 'Seventeenth Chapel,' to 'Momy and Dady' by Liam, 4 years, were sold openly at the IKEA store in Skärholmen. "This is one of the most blatant and daring attempts at reselling stolen goods that we have ever witnessed," says plainclothswoman Mehry Najapour, almost admiringly.
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Final Results of the Swedish Parliamentary Election:
In contrast to third-world countries, such as the United States of America, all eligible Swedish voters are allowed to cast exactly one vote each in every election; the ballots are very well-designed, to avoid any confusion; the votes are very accurately counted; sufficient time and resources are allocated to ensure that all eligible voters who wish to vote may do so---elections are always held on Sundays. Each eligible voter is equipped with a unique identifying number, which is assigned in a strictly controlled manner, as opposed to, e.g., US social security numbers, and which is printed on any piece of photo identification, and which is used as a unique key in any database. In the recent parliamentary election, 81.99 percent of the eligible voters cast a ballot.
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Russian Artillery Shells Gothenburg:
Russian artillery shelled central Gothenburg today, commemorating the 297-year anniversary of Russia's victory at Poltava over the Swedish dozen king Karl XII. The Swedish government has issued a sharp protest, demanding that also Stockholm should be allowed to participate in the celebrations. Russian President Vladimir Putin defends the measures by pointing out that a full-scale invasion of Stockholm would be prohibitively expensive for the cash-strung Russian military, due to the excessive trängselskatt (city entrance toll) tariffs for tanks.
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Swedish Professor Solves Free-Lunch Problem:
One of the remaining open problems in Economics posed by the late Hungarian Mathematician John von Neumann has been solved by a Professor at the Gothenburg School of Business. Whereas financial practitioners, such as institutional investors, have long maintained that there is no such thing as a free lunch, academics have been arguing both sides of the point. Professor Colerico Saccarin, at the Gothenburg School of Business, has managed to apply a different set of logic and established that free lunches are theoretically possible. "You ah simply refuse to ah pay," explains Professor Saccarin to the Swedish World News. Rumor has it that his ground-breaking work may lead to a Nobel Prize in Economics.
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Russia Re-Invades Hungary:
Russia is celebrating the fifty-year anniversary of its occupation of Hungary by re-invading it. Budapest is in flames. Hungarian Prime Minister, Gyurcsány Ferenc (surname Gyurcsány), who allowed the Russians to reenact the invasion, didn't realize that it would be quite that realistic and that his country would end up under Russian rule. "They lied in the morning, they lied at noon, they lied in the evening," he tells the Swedish World News. But he staunchly refuses to step down as Prime Minister.
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Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead!
The Swedish World News prides itself over its fair and balanced coverage of the Swedish parliamentary elections. At 16:30, UT, today, Monday September 18, Göran Persson resigned from the post as Prime Minister of Sweden. Good Riddance of him and his cohorts of cronies and yespeople.
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Elephants Dig 'Plan B'; Ganesha worshippers Clash with Police:
Indian pharmaceuticals, who today manufacture most US prescription medications, have introduced the morning after contraceptive pill, aka 'plan B', to the domestic Indian market. The problem is that it has become a best-seller---amongst elephants! This has angered Hindu religious sects that worship the elephant god Ganesha, who proclaim the pill heresy. Already 132 people have been killed in clashes between cult members, pharmacists, and police across India.
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Israeli Cruise Missile Hits Kungsbacka:
An Israeli cruise missile aimed at Lebanon accidentally hit central Kungsbacka, killing the Prime Minister Göran Persson. It is thought to have landed there through a Quantum Mechanical tunneling effect. The Swedish Government immediately condemned the action, and the Swedish Navy is launching a task force to invade Malta. The late PM's challenger in the upcoming elections, conservative leader Fredrik Reinfeldt, claims that this is an over-reaction, and that some collateral Swedish damage must be expected in the War on Terror.
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Muslims Storm Vatican to Convert to Catholicism:
Following Pope Benedict's brilliant speech in Germany this Tuesday, hundreds of thousands of Muslims ran down the Swiss Guard in the Vatican City and demanded to be converted to Catholicism. "We've finally seen the light: Crusaders, Inquisitions, Conquistadors, and the IRA. This is a brilliant religion! We want to join!" chanted the crowds, in versed Arabic.
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Finnish Sex Bomb Detonates at Asia-Europe Meeting:
Finnish separatists unleashed an incredible sex bomb at the meeting between Asian and European leaders in Helsinki: Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen. "How well he dresses!" remarks German Chancellor Angela Merkel. "Yes, and how quickly!" retorts Finnish President Tarja Halonen. "L'homme plus sexy du Monde!" maintains French President Jacques Chirac. Asian leaders, however, seemed less impressed, as they tended to be male, and straight.
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Jane Fonda Runs for Swedish PM:
Jane Fonda is undeterred by her run-in with Finansinspektionen (FI), the Swedish equivalent of the SEC. " I'm still running for Swedish Prime Minister. It keeps me fit," she tells the Swedish World News. Gudrun SkyrMan, of the FI, is going after Ms Fonda, but is unable to keep up with her pace. "She's bloody fit," pants Ms SkyrMan, "But I can hold my liquor better."
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Forsmark Not Allowed to Start in Skiing World Cup:
Ingemar Forsmark, son of former skiing superstar Ingemar Stenmark, is banned from entering World Cup Skiing tournaments this year, due to too many faults in his trial downhill run of July 25. This according to his manager Anders Bredfell, secretary of SKI, the Swedish Professional Skiers association. "Rotten luck," comments Mr Forsmark to the Swedish Daily News. "It's 'just to go', and now they won't let me."
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Jennifer Aniston Nominated for Nobel Prize:
Jennifer Aniston has been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Chemistry, due to her innovative make-up products. It's interesting to note that her daily make-up sessions cost more than the $1,000,000 Nobel Prize award money, and take longer than the Nobel Prize award ceremony itself.
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Minimodels Banned from Spanish Fashion Shows:
The employment of so-called minimodels, which are much lighter and cheaper than supermodels, has been banned at Spanish fashion shows, after the Spanish supermodel union put severe pressure on the Spanish government. "The minimodels want to eat our lunch, and then regurgitate it," says a representative for the Spanish supermodel union.
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Sheep Reinforce Swedish Afghanistan Troops:
To boost the Swedish military presence in Afghanistan , which Sweden accidentally occupied yesterday, the military is training elite sheep to serve in the occupation army. "They're great," says brigadier Martin Kalthoff to the Swedish World News. "They climb trees and pounce on their foes from high branches. The only problem is that they tend to graze in the poppy fields, after which they behave capriciously."
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Jason Holds Royal Family Hostage:
Jason, of 'Friday the 13th' fame, is currently wielding an ax and holding the Swedish Royal Family hostage on Norrbro, a bridge in central Stockholm, just outside the Royal Palace. Apparently, Jason is upset that his lucrative acting contract has run out and that he didn't get to appear in 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. Swedish Prime Minister Göran Persson has dismissed the incident as a Liberal-Party prank, staged to distract from the grave data intrusion scandal.
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Sweden Invades Afghanistan by Mistake:
Swedish troops have occupied Afghanistan, after killing off most of the Afghani population with neutron bombs, in retaliation of a cartoon on an Afghani web site depicting the Swedish Prime Minister Göran Persson as a drunken buffoon. Only afterward was it established that the cartoon was put there by crackers working for the Swedish Liberal Party. The Swedish Foreign Ministry has issued a statement, apologizing the few remaining Afghans for the inconvenience.
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Björn Borg's Children Killed in Train Accident:
Following the tragic recent demise of their father, former tennis superstar Björn Borg, his two children were killed by a train in a hit-and-run accident. "There was nothing we could do," says a police spokesperson. "They were dead when we arrived."
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Huge Stash of Spaghetti Bolognese found in Virtual Barn:
A racket of illegal virtual food smuggling from Italy has been dismantled by Coop, the Customs-operated online police. Approximately two million cans of Spaghetti Bolognese were discovered in a virtual barn on a computer in central Stockholm. The owners of the computer, Luigi fra Diavoli and Roberto Ravioli, claim innocence. They insist that a Microsoft virus, or a cracker from the Liberal Party, installed the barn on their computer. Coop has switched off the computer and seized the offending harddrive. This may at first seem odd, as both Italy and Sweden are part of the European Union---a free-trade zone---but Magnus Frisk, CIO of Coop, explains: "The Internet falls under US Law, and you can't import food to the US without a permit, even if it's virtual."
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9/11 WTC Attacks Never Happened:
Not only were the World Trade Center attacks of September 11, 2001, made-up publicity stunts involving a conspiracy between the US Government, certain Middle-East oil billionaires, and the Swedish Liberal Party; the date September 11 of 2001 itself never actually occurred. Time transited directly from midnight September 10 to 00:00 hours September 12, due to a quirk in the Gregorian Calendar, an error in applying daylight savings time, and some Quantum Mechanical tunneling effects in atomic clocks world wide. "Not only the WTC attacks of 9/11, but 9/11 itself, are a hoax," comments a senior Swedish World News international affairs analyst, who wishes to remain anonymous.
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Björn Borg Killed in Traffic Accident:
Former tennis superstar Björn Borg was hit by a car on Europe Road 4, North of Luleå. The driver stayed with him until the police arrived, but he was so badly injured that police officer Eva Högfeldt had him put down. "I never cared much for double-handed backhands," commented officer Högfeldt to the Swedish World News.
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Iraq Invades the United States:
Iraqi forces have landed in the United States. Fierce fighting is reported from Mosalah, Louisiana. After his attempts failed at securing a UN resolution against the American WMD program and the US use of torture, Iraq's president, Saddam Hussein, decided to take unilateral, preemptive action. "The United States has a WMD program that allows it to strike at any target on the Globe," says President Hussein to the Swedish World News. "The US is the only country to ever deploy nuclear weapons against another country. It has military bases in two thirds of the worlds countries. If that isn't an empire, I'm Santa Claus. Next they would have invaded our country and killed tens or hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians. I had to act to prevent that. My primary concern is the safety of the Iraqi people." He continues: "The Americans are cruel barbarians. They routinely torture their prisoners and they even enslaved their own people, at least the black ones."
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Local Socialists Rally Against Far-Right Wolf:
The local social-democratic constituency in Rättvik is circulating a petition to bar ultra-conservative Pentti Wolf from running for local government. "He may seem harmless, but he is a monster," maintains Miss Piggy, secretary of the local chapter of the social-democratic party. Mr Wolf dismisses the criticism: "This is a democracy; everyone must be allowed to run for office. Anyway, once I get hold of the list, I'll make pork or lamb chops, or beef steak, as appropriate, of anyone on it. Growl!"
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Swedish Navy Lowers Conscription Age:
In order to man the new miniature Navy vessels, the Swedish Navy has lowered the conscription age to three years, with maximum service of three years. In the picture, lieutenant Viggo Wasa, four-and-a-half, demonstrates the Navy's latest hand-held anti-aircraft-missile launcher. Note the new uniforms, designed by Polarn och Pyret.
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Innocent Bystander Received Nobel Prize:
Johan Croneman just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was seized by small group of people, put on a large stage, and broadcast live on national TV. He was handed a medal and a large check by His Majesty The King, and then led to a podium with a microphone, facing the huge audience. "I think I managed to say 'I---ehm---don't know why I'm here,' and people started applauding enthusiastically. I thought they would never stop," he later explained to the Swedish World News. Yet another innocent human life shattered by a simple misunderstanding. Sic transit gloria mundi.
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Swedish Election Debate About Job Figures:
During their TV-cast election debate, Prime Minister Göran Persson claimed that the unemployment rate is around zero percent, whereas his challenger, conservative leader Fredrik Reinfeldt, maintained that it is close to forty percent, counting everyone enrolled in unemployment-hiding programs, be they government-run, such as civil servants, or private-sector, such as middle management. It is otherwise hard to see any major difference between the two combatants' political positions on most issues. They even resemble each other physically, as the photos below show.
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Ingemar Stenmark and Börje Salming Engaged:
Former skiing superstar Ingemar Stenmark and hockey legend Börje Salming are, despite their own denials, more than "just friends." According to our reliable source, they are engaged to be married. Our source explains: "Why else would Mr Stenmark move from the skiing paradise Monaco to Vaxholm---a dreary Stockholm suburb---into the house next to that of Mr Salming? Scarcely for tax purposes..." The same source indicates that the two will be tying the knot this coming Midsummer, and that Pope Benedictus Himself will perform the matrimonial sermon. His Holiness will then have to overlook the facts that Mr Stenmark was previously married, that Mr Salming is currently married, that neither of the two is Catholic, that both of them are male, and that Swedish Midsummer is a pagan ritual.
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Japanese Referendum on Monarchy:
There will be a nation-wide referendum in Japan on whether to remain a Monarchy or to become a Republic. The Monarchists are divided into two camps: those who advocate strictly male throne succession and those who advocate first-borne throne succession. The Republicans, on the other hand, stand united behind their program: 1) executing the entire Royal Family; 2) elevating Shinto Evangelism to State Religion; and 3) banning: a) all other religions, b) all gay activities, and c) all teaching of Darwin's ridiculous theories.
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Ancient Airstrips Unearthed North of Stockholm:
Excavations beneath the military airstrip in Barkarby, north of Stockholm, have revealed several layers of ancient airstrips. The most exiting find is a near-complete millstone runway from the Iron Age. The pictures show landing gear predating that period. There are burial mounds for especially distinguished pilots: the oldest one is 2,700 years old; the first female pilot was buried in the seventh century. Another interesting find is the remainder of slab stone portals, similar in shape and size of those of Stonehenge, which are thought to be passenger screening devices, suggesting that the airstrip was periodically used also for commercial air traffic. This indicates that Stonehenge itself might have been an ancient commercial airport.
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The Guardian: Sweden is the Best Country in the World!
Well-known Guardian writer Polly Toynbee urges the Swedes to stop griping about their country and goes on to establish beyond any doubt that in particular Sweden, but also the other Nordic countries, is by far and away the best country in the world, along every conceivable dimension. The Swedish World News can only agree, apart from the weather, and from..., and..., and also..., and...
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IKEA Front for al Qaeda:
Swedish Intelligence sources (such as they are) have found that the low-end, do-it-yourself furniture store chain IKEA is simply a front for the terror organization al Qaeda. Ingvar Kamprad, IKEA's founder and alleged war-time Nazi supporter, explains to the Swedish World News: "National Socialism is old hat; we don't fund neo-Nazi organizations. The world is changing and the forces of evil must adapt." So you might think twice before purchasing the bookshelf Billy, although it is a pretty good bookshelf, at a reasonable price.
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Swedish Books Rule:
In a fair and unbiased survey, it was established that five of the five best, six of the ten best, and nine of the fifteen best books in the world are Swedish. Selma Lagerlöf, the first Swedish and first female Nobel prize laureate, scores three titles, August Strindberg and Hjalmar Söderberg two each; and the two remaining Swedish authors Vilhelm Moberg and Per Lagerkvist score singletons, the former at the very top of the list, the latter in fourteenth place. Three Brits: JRR Tolkien, George Orwell, and Joseph Heller (who resided in a former colony); two Russians: Mikhail Bulgakov and Fjodor Dostojevskij; and one Colombian: Gabriel Garcia Marquez; round out the list.
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President Bush Murdered by British TV Team:
George W. Bush, the late President of the United States, was assassinated by a British TV team during a speech in Chicago. The US government condemns the action, but denies that it will have any effect on the day-to-day running of the United States, nor that it will effect US domestic or foreign policy. "We've had him stuffed and attached to strings," says former vice-president Dick Cheney. "It's business as usual. Keep shopping!"
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The Swiss Go Cow Hunting:
The hunting season for cows is now open in Switzerland. Following ancient Swiss tradition, all types of arms, expect a special type of cow stick, are banned. Really macho hunters club the cows in the head with there fists. Novice hunters typically rely on their small stick to provide better impact. "It sure beats the h-ll out of alligator wrestling," says former American actress Mabel Washington, who traveled here from Florida for the event. In a recent incident, the Swiss viceroy clubbed his lawyer instead of the intended cow. He blamed the accident on having lost his eye-glasses.
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Mushroom Pie Sold On eBay:
A mushroom pie, a portion of which bears a striking resemblance to some kind of creature grasping some type of object, has been sold on eBay for an undisclosed amount. Initially, both the buyer and seller seemed very pleased with the deal. "I got it really cheap," said the former to the Swedish World News. "Only an idiot would pay that much," commented the latter, after which the buyer threw said pie in the face of the seller, and started laughing hysterically. The Swedish World News reporter escaped the ensuing brawl unscathed.
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Britney Spears New Subway Pusher in Tokyo:
In a sudden career change, Britney Spears has become a full-time pusher in the Tokyo Subway. "It's hard getting acting, singing, or even modeling gigs when pregnant. I enjoy pushing people around and I think I'm pretty good at it," she explains to the Swedish World News. The Tokyo Subway has not yet found a uniform in Ms Spears's size, so she is currently working nude. "Most commuters don't seem to mind," says Metero Pushiba, Director of Traveler Compression at the Tokyo Subway.
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Plot Against Pippi's Parrot Foiled:
An elite EU assassination squad was arrested yesterday on attempted abduction and murder charges. The victim: Pippi Långstrump's (Longstocking's) parrot Rosalinda. Fortunately enough, Ms Långstrump herself (who possesses superpowers) was present to disarm the assassins (with considerable ease, one might add). The main reason the EU was furious at Rosalinda was that the parrot had figured in several anti-EU commercials, in one of which she shreds the EU Constitution and in another of which she dislodges droppings on the flags of all EU countries, save Sweden's. Rosalinda was unharmed by the incident and is amusing herself at Folkets Park in Malmö. The prisoners are currently on board the Hoppetossa---Ms Långstrump's father's ship--- sailing to an island in the South Sea where Ms Långstrump's father rules supreme, and where no Geneva Convention reaches.
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Ylva Johansson Hesitates:
Ylva Johansson has as of yet not made a decision in either direction. She is still hesitating between her two options. "It's a very tough call," she explains to the Swedish World News. "I will have to prefer one alternative over the other one, but it is not easy." She has been considering this issue for quite some time now, but has yet to resolve it. "I have contemplated my two options, but not yet reached any conclusion," she clarifies. So she has yet to make her choice, and the issue remains unresolved. She concludes the interview with "I'm still thinking about it."
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Pluto Steps Down as Ninth Planet:
Pluto has chosen to no longer be the solar systems ninth planet. In an interview with the Swedish World News, the eccentric former planet explains that he was fed up with the controversy amongst, and criticism from, astronomers during his tenure. He has instead signed a very lucrative contract with Walt Disney Productions. The Swedish Prime Minister, Göran Persson, has been nominated by conservative leader Fredrik Reinfeldt to take over after Pluto. "The PM is uniquely qualified for this role," Mr Reinfeldt stresses, "being sufficiently round and dense." The job consists primarily in orbiting the Sun, at a great distance, in an individual trajectory.
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Tom Cruise Released on Bail:
Tom Cruise was arrested in Drottningholm outside Stockholm yesterday for speeding and reckless driving. He insisted that he was in fact not Tom Cruise, but Ethan Hunt, and that he was on a mission to rescue the Swedish Royal Family. Needless to say, the Swedish police rejected his mission story as impossible. His claim was however temporarily lent some credibility by a series of explosions rocking Drottningholm Palace (HMK's Royal Abode), but these were later found to be the works of Paramount pyro-technicians. Mr Cruise and his Paramount associates have been released on bail, sufficient in size to pay off the entire Swedish national debt.
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Swedish Drug Princess Breaks Jail:
A twelve-year-old drug-dealing whiz kid shot her way out of a high-security prison in Örebro Sunday night. She was born at Bangkok Airport in 1994, in the middle of a gunfight with the police, who killed her parents. She swore to avenge them, and had at the age of four established herself as the leading heroin(e) dealer in Thailand. To avoid capture, she escaped to Sweden in 2000, where she totally dominated the drug trade for three years, until she was arrested in 2003, in a sting operation lead by the Swedish Drug Czar Kalle Kaviar, age ten, and sentenced to 50 years in prison. She continued her drug dealings during her stint in jail, and is now expected to run for Prime Minister for the Feminist Party in the upcoming parliamentary elections.
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Swedish Freeways For Bicycles Only:
In an effort to reduce CO2 emissions, Vägverket (the Swedish Road Authority) has declared all freeways, motorways, and major highways off limits to petroleum-propelled vehicles. At this point, only bicycles and electrical vehicles are allowed to use these roads. The latter require an appropriate permit. The existing gas stations along these roads are being replaced by picnic areas, bicycle shops, and miniature nuclear power plants for recharging electrical vehicles.
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Swedish PM Taken by Aliens:
Norwegian Military have arrested the Swedish Prime Minister, Göran Persson, on charges of being a stupid, ignorant bully. The Swedish government, deprived of its leader, has issued a lame and confused protest. The conservative leader Fredrik Reinfeldt has officially condemned the action, but was heard whistling "ja, vi elsker dette landet" during a meeting with Nordic diplomats.
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Swedish PM's Dwellings New Tourist Site:
Following the success of the guided tours of Drottningholms Slott (His Majesty King Carl Gustav Folke Hubertus Bernadotte's Royal Abode) and Buckingham Palace (Betty's place), the Swedish Prime Minister and his wife (the Director General of the Swedish Alcohol Monopoly, appointed purely on merit by the Prime Minister Himself) have opened the construction site of their luxury villa in Torp in Flen near Sparreholm in Sörmland to the public. Guided tours cost SEK 300 (USD 40) and include a copy of the drawings of the finished house and membership in the Socialist Party. The PM's challenger in the upcoming Swedish parliamentary election, conservative leader Fredrik Reinfeldt, has criticized the PM for pocketing the money without paying taxes and for not offering alternative party memberships. The PM and his Minister of Finance insist that nothing illegal or immoral has been done. Likewise, insinuations that the local tourist office has received discretionary free booze from the Swedish Alcohol Monopoly are vehemently denied.
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Swedish Navy Launches Aircraft Carrier Group:
Today saw the official launching in Karlstad of the Swedish Navy's new aircraft carrier group, consisting of one nuclear aircraft carrier, two frigates, three destroyers, five submarines, and a score of other support vessels. All the ships are one fifth their normal size and the crews consist of specially trained elite lemurs. The aircraft carrier is thus too short for fighter jets to land on and take off from, but SAAB is supplementing the vertical landing capability of the JAS 41 Griffin fighter jet (which, unfortunately tends to the destroy the landing pad, and the aircraft) with a vertical take-off capability. Once this is done, Göta Canal will be widened to allow the Navy vessels to reach Göteborg and the North Sea, as the launch was conducted in Lake Vänern, the third largest lake in Europe.
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Liquids, Gases, and Solids Banned on Flights:
Following the discovery of an infamous cat terrorist in the checked-in luggage on board a domestic flight, Luftfartsverket (the Swedish Aviation Authority) has banned all liquids, gases, and solids, and any mixtures thereof, from all carry-on and check-in luggage. Only artifacts made of plasma, or the Philosopher's Stone (aka the Quintessence), will be permitted on board flights. A spokescat from Luftfartsverket justifies the measure as the sole alternative to having all sapient beings, including passengers, manacled, sedated, and locked up in individual containers during the entire flight.
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Cat Terrorist Traveled In Check-In Luggage:
A cat was discovered inside a suitcase that had traveled with the checked-in luggage of an airplane. The paw prints match those of an infamous terrorist cat, code name Helga, that was apprehended in Afghanistan, but who managed to escape through the widely spaced prison cell window bars. Fortunately the terrorist cat Helga was unable to open the suitcase from the inside during the flight. She has been detained by the elite Swedish anti-terrorist squad based in Skärvsjölund in Småland, for deportation to a detention center outside of Sweden, where cruelty-against-animal laws don't apply.
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Non-Discrimination Act:
The SEK 300 (USD 40) rebate per felled moose for female hunters has been repelled, as this constitutes gender discrimination. A moose, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented that this is a step in the right direction, but advocates a steep increase in the moose felling fee for men and women alike. This decision follows in the wake of the ban on price discrimination for haircuts between men and women, prompting those Swedish males that possess any non-negligible quantity of hair to get their haircuts abroad, or join the league of skinheads.
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Ban on Elevator BBQs:
Two men, a woman, and a puppy where rescued after their attempt at grilling pork chops inside an elevator not so much back-fired, as back-smoked, when the elevator got stuck. They were treated with pure oxygen for smoke injuries and are now out of danger. The local authorities have instigated a ban on grilling in elevators.
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Emergency Ice Cream Shortage:
An ice cream shortage paralyzed Sweden for more than 24 hours. It was brought about by Nestle closing down a factory in Sweden. Mass demonstrations called for the Prime Minister's resignation and for a boycott of Swiss products. The situation was resolved by relief ice cream aid from smirking Norwegian providers.
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Duck Seen with Hen:
A male duck has adopted five chickens and is regularly seen tete-a-tete with the mother hen. In repsonse, the Swedish Parliament passed a law defining marriage as a union between two members of the same species. The social services office did however cut the hen's housing subsidies, based on the duck's income.
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